In case you're having a tough time.

For anyone who may need to hear this today:

You're not alone.

I know it can feel that way sometimes. There's no point pretending that Life is always a wonderful enigma. More often than not, it's the opposite. Believe me, I feel it. I know.

It's hard to convince oneself not to dream too big. Something about our society snatches away the security of hope and ambition from bright-eyed toddlers and turns it into the dreary dullness of adulthood. People reduced to numbers and data, embroiled in a never-ending rat race. And, at times, you feel a little sub-human yourself. The world is a massive place, and the cosmos is even bigger -- deluding yourself into grandiosity is actually quite tough, it seems. If you're like me, thinking about the sheer insignificance of the tiny speck that is the earth we all live on is sufficient to upset you for days at a time. But, despite the eight billion people here and the billions more life forms inhabiting it, the world seems to be an incredibly lonely place.

You could spend hours on social media, trying to get over your fear of missing out (or FOMO, as it's popularly called). You could see what others are up to (or not up to) and you can scroll through an infinite wellspring of reels, just trying to relate to other human beings. I've found, though, that it only increases the pain. Social media's not bad. It can help a lot, and I'm not so old yet that I'd try to lecture the younger generation about it (I'm in high school myself). However, I've experienced it and it truly messes up my emotions. As someone whose extreme introversion and negative history of interpersonal interactions have often gotten in the way of ever getting close to others, being on Instagram doesn't get me that much closer to my peers. I feel a lot more disconnected, in fact -- remember, only the physical distance is minimized this way. If you feel out of place at school, I'm not one to vouch for the fact that being on Instagram will ameliorate that lack of belonging for you. I've come to find that the endless content is something I end up turning to when I want to distract myself from difficult thoughts. 

The first week of my junior year has passed in a whirlwind of realizations and emotions. I've lost the few friends I thought I had, and I have had a tough summer. Now, I feel incredibly lost all over again, just as I was during freshman year -- if not more. I'm just an older and more stoic version of the girl who spent nearly every lunch outside the school washrooms or in the library, watching others' connections not so much with envy, but more so with curiosity. Honestly, the loneliness is an experience I'd never expected to feel the hollowness of this deeply. It got me wondering whether anyone else, like me, felt as trapped as I did. I really want these years to go well, but there's just so much inertia; so much holding me back. I admit that I've given up on a lot of things due to this prevailing sense of unfulfillment that follows me around every day -- a metaphorical raincloud perpetually drenching me and sucking the brightness away. And I let it stay. 

Sometimes, you just want to have someone to talk to. But who? I don't really know. I guess we all keep things (read: everything) to ourselves, and when we do reach our breaking points, we continue to pretend that nothing happened. No one notices, and no one cares. Life goes on. If you're anxious about speaking to strangers, then you can't use the helplines, either. It's a damn rut. You feel upset and utterly alone. You drown, but no one can know. Your mask has to be perfect, or you'd disappoint yourself. I know. It's the most horrible feeling, and it's tough to work through it. Maybe you could distract yourself with little mundane problems for a while, but you'd just be evading the painful ubiquity of your feelings.

And yet, I assure you you're not broken. You might feel like a mess; you might feel exhausted and as though it's all meaningless. I assure you, though, that you're not alone; that this, this pain, is not forever. You're meant to be happy, so seek as much of that as you can. Don't cause yourself further distress by re-visiting all those heartbreaking moments when it gets bad again. I know, it hurts. But it doesn't have to encompass everything. Take control. You're not alone.

It will pass.

- Dead tired but trying to be better